Blank Pages: Rewriting my Story

"As a writer, I see the blank page as a source of inspiration. A moment of reflection to gain more self-awareness and to discover more about what I know." - Nifemi Aluko, Medium

I mentioned that I recently took out all of my therapy notebooks and was astonished at how many there were... most not even halfway filled in. Why do we get so excited about fresh starts? Blank pages, character creators in video games, a new room to decorate—what’s so inspiring about a blank slate, and why is it so hard for someone like me to actually finish the project? 

As someone with a creativity-fueled brain, I feel like I am constantly searching for that next creative outlet. I remember my childhood desk was filled with markers, crayons, colored pencils, etc. Over time, my creative focus shifted toward music—I found myself singing at every opportunity, playing the French Horn, and eventually diving into the world of theatre. When I got into gaming, I always wanted to play something where I could build, design, create something that I could then experience or play for myself.

In 2016, when I moved back to Texas after leaving Disney to 'temporarily' help out with family, I had no idea how much of my creative soul I would end up shoving into a box and stowing away. Sure, I was in a play in 2018, but that was the last time I truly pursued any of my creative passions. I have two whole degrees in Theatre, for goodness' sake! Why the heck am I not using them?

I got stuck in my mindset of needing to help. I needed to make more money. I needed to "settle down" and start pursuing a career, get a house, meet someone, etc. Now, almost a decade later, my inner self - the true Kacie - is absolutely screaming to be let out. I shuttered her away so I could be taken more seriously as a City Manager. Hell, I got enough flack for being a woman and not pursuing the traditional education path so I felt like I had to work 10x harder than all of the other City Managers I knew. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I became damn-good at it, too! I got the staff better benefits, higher pay, and more resources than they'd ever had. I developed some of the best relationships with my staff, the community, developers, etc. and was constantly receiving praise about being "a breath of fresh air" and "just what we needed." Then one day, it hit me. I was doing all of that just to be what was needed. I was filling everyone else's needs and one day, my cup completely ran dry. 

I remember waking up on the bathroom floor in City Hall, my closest coworker trying not to freak out, sitting next to me as the EMT's came in and started seeing to me, urging me to go to the hospital. 

I'd had a seizure. I'd hit my head. I had fluid in my brain and my blood pressure was through the roof. The doctors, my family, and even my staff all told me: I was overdoing it. I was literally sacrificing myself to be what everyone else needed me to be. It didn't fully sink in because, "I'm supposed to help people! I love my family, so I should help out when I can. I care so much about these people who work for me that I will fight tooth-and-nail for them every day to make sure they're taken care of! So what's wrong with me?" As it turns out, it's not normal to start hearing and seeing things when you can't sleep. It's not normal to have tremors and blackouts and bouts of insomnia followed by 12-18 hours of sleep. As it turns out, I had become a shell of a person and was only just barely surviving day-to-day. (more on my health journey at a later date? maybe? we'll see)

I left my career of six years, a well-paying job, and the stability it provided in May 2024. Never in my life did I expect to be unemployed for so long. It’s been humbling, disheartening, terrifying, and frustrating, to say the least. If I hadn't built up my savings, I never would have been able to do it. For the first 5-6 months, I was an absolute mess and didn’t want to go on. If it hadn’t been for my therapist and doctors, I truly don’t think I would still be here today, writing this. But now, almost a full year later, I’m starting to feel okay. I’m starting to feel like myself again. I find joy in getting out of bed, and I know I do have value, even if there are times when I forget it or can’t see it.

Now, my life has become a blank page. It’s scary but exciting. Starting over at 36 is not what I thought I would be doing, but instead of punishing myself for not being ‘where I should be,’ I’m trying every day to celebrate how far I’ve come. I’m excited to see what these pages will fill with, and I’m thankful to have so much incredible support around me while I fill them. This time, I’m going to fill them with things that I want, things that make me happy, and things I can reflect on with pride..

A picture I took at the lake back in October after a really rough day. Aside from the bugs, it was quiet and peaceful and it hit me here that I was "stuck" but I was the only one who could get myself unstuck.